To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of
your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’
and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair
with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the
suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn
that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you
know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry
Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.
There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination
of “-ize”.
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited
to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must
learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The
name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving
Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of
occasional political incorrectness.
You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The
Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
“American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game
called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip,
oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called “Indecisive Day”.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
itself.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager.
From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The
substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be
referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline”
as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…it’s Nuclear
as in “clear” NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
no offence meant to our american members, it is just a very funny post if you are not american - Doesn’t mean that american’s won’t find it funny though
I’m sure they’ll learn that all out in their own time anyway. Don’t need the Brits to help them. I’ll be happy once they realise (note spelling!) how inferior there imperial system is.
I don’t think Bush is any more incompetent than Kerry. I’m just glad Bush is supporting space exploration. Hopefully NASA gets it’s act together soon.
I, although knowing it is a joke, am sick and tired of the America bashing on the internet.
The following is not in the same order as the above article
1.Soccer is a joke in this country.
2.“Ou” (as in your “neighbour”) makes an “oo” sound when in neighbor is pernounced “or” which is why we dropped the extra u.
3.Censorship is just for bad parents who can’t control what their kids watch.
Webster “created” US English. P.S. It’s called a DIALECT
5.“Like” and “you know” are what pre-teen girls will say, not America on the whole.
Of course we know where Belgium is, It’s North of France.
British Sitcoms can stay where they are. WNED.
Well apparently it is the world series since no one else plays it.
The Second Amendment must be preserved.
I really don’t care about german cars, Italian cars are better than German. (Alfa Romeo, Lamborghini)
“You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips.” We don’t call them chips do we now?
We already call it “Lager”.
I don’t even know where the “Nucular” stereotype started but I think your HILARIOUS 2.15% is the percentage that calls it that here.
Nice Boston Tea Party Reference.
The government killed JFK…SHHHHH…its a secret.
“The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.”
But suing people is the main source of income for 2.15% of the population! (Gee, I thought you knew that) I agree, therapy is stupid.
Roundabouts? Are you kidding me? Haahahahahaha
There you go John Cleese, I loved you in Monty Python & the Holy Grail
I don’t understand why you’re defending yourself so much… It’s only a joke, not some official political statement… Personally I would be honored if John Cleese would work out something alike about my country (Belgium) and its leadership
I’m offended and was on the verge of removing this thread for promoting “nationalism” and hate. … until I notice it was posted by a moderator, and praised by the admin.
This “joke” has the same amount of class as a racism, sexism, homophobe, blonde, or fat people joke. I don’t think it’s wise to post on a forum such as ours. We are a global forum 4 ALL and any such jokes that ridicules a wide group of people doesn’t seem proper to share here. It’s obviously offensive, even if it’s known to be a joke.
I recognize the satire, and I’m NOT laughing.
I know some of you make a hobby out of hating on America and it’s government, but must I be reminded of it every FUKING time I visit this forum.
I know there is a policy erected by staff here about respecting each other. So why does staff not apply those rules themself?
What is respectful about this thread? It has the same amount of respect as the word “KIKE” or “NIGGER” or “FAGGOT” or any other label that is defined by stereotypes.
YEah i found it very offending, sometimes jokes can be made, but still meant to hurt others, i’m not saying you were trying to offend anyone, but you definatly did.
I’m not taking sides, but I just want to point out that this “revocation of independence” piece was not written by John Cleese. After years of crap filling my eyes and inbox, I know when to investigate all types of forwards, hoaxes, chain letters, and the like. I did a Google search and found the true story of this “letter to America”.
The true story begins:
“The Notice of Revocation of Independence was originally posted 8th November, 2000 by Alan Baxter (Rochester, U.K.) on an internal newsgroup of a company which spans the U.K., U.S. and Australia.”
Wow. I must say, I’m surprised at some of the reactions from people in this thread. It did occur to me when I first read the joke that some people (particularly citizens on the US) may be a little taken back by it, but I also recognized that the message was intended merely as a satirical jab, and in that respect is really no different from any of The Simpsons’ highly-exaggerated encounters with other nations and cultures. It’s common for comedians in one country to poke fun at another by comparing the differences between their nations, and as long as nobody accidentally takes it seriously, it’s all in the name of fun.
John Cleesse is practically an icon of British humour, and this is his way of making a joke. He’s undoubtedly well aware that the English language has a multitude of regional variations, each as valid as each other, and he fully understands that the US version includes alternate spellings and pronunciations of certain words—but he intentionally words his letter to make it sound as condescending as possible for the sake of the joke. All you have to do is list the major differences between your country and another, then adopt the “I’m better than you!” attitude to turn it into a friendly and playful prod at the other nation.
I don’t think it’s necessary to dispute the points that John raises, because when you realize that he’s just making a joke, you also realize that there’s nothing to dispute. If you sent him a letter that said, “More people drink our beer than yours, so shut up about it”, he’d probably respond with, “Yeah, I know. That’s why I was making a joke.” Stereotypes, so long as they aren’t negative, are a popular thing to use in jokes, because everyone recognises them, and everyone knows they aren’t true. We can either adjust our perspective of satire to appreciate the actual intention of the joke, or forever be offended by everything for the rest of our lives. It’s up to you.
EDIT: Thanks for the great detective work, Cynster. Those replies from the US were hilarious.
I can’t be bothered changing my post, but since it doesn’t seem that the joke was originally written by John Cleese, just ignore his name where ever it appears above.
i thought you would see the humor… it is real british humor, as mystic said, if somebody would write like this about my country (holland) and our prime minister … I would laugh as well… I don’t agree with what john cleese says, but I see the humor in it, and that’s why i laugh, not because I agree with him
LOLZ i don’t want americans to drive on the left side of the road, the stupid british have got it wrong
I can enjoy a good Dutch joke, as I’m sure mystic would laugh at a Belg joke
I recognize the humor and the satire. I know to not be personally insulted, or be offended by the laughter it creates.
It’s a provocative thread and it provoked me at the time. I can read certain points of the letter and laugh, but it’s overall discouraging.
I suppose I have read too many “nation debates” threads and my patience is low. … and i’ve been suffering Post Dramatic Politics Disorder since last November.
It’s a controversial letter, and it’s going to cause some strong reactions.
DreamAddict: I’m sorry if this thread offended you in any way… It wasn’t my intention to deliberately post something provocative which would make American feel offended about. As Q said, it’s not a politically correct statement, so his message is not to be understood literally. It’s John Cleese, don’t forget that Perhaps it was better if I posted it in the BIG Jokes Topic, so people would KNOW it’s only a joke, and people should know jokes are not to be taken seriously…
If we’d have to consider everything in life as seriously as this simple joke…
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a little offended by this piece. I’m with DreamAddict, and though I know it’s just another stupid joke and jab, it’s still bothersome and annoying to read. I don’t find much humor in picking apart another country and its customs and ways of doing things. I’d be happy if we weren’t constantly reminded that so many people hate America, regardless of how they present their material. And I think the main reason why any US member here might be upset by this thing is because we hear and see stuff like this quite often, and are frankly getting sick of it. If it was just a sporadic occurrence that I came across things like this, then I’d probably laugh too, and be reminded of Swift’s hilarious A Modest Proposal in which he jokes about the wealthy eating poor babies in order to help control the population. But somewhere along the line, I’ve gotten a bit pissy about this topic, and the jokes don’t make me laugh anymore. Nationalism is almost like an inbred human trait, so it isn’t that weird that, despite our own thoughts on our country and how it is run, we’d feel the need to defend ourselves when lashed out at, even by way of joke. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, but I think it could apply to everybody, regardless of where you live. It’s like the whole classroom experiment where a teacher pretended to favor children with blue eyes over brown: These kids knew that it was all a game and nothing to take seriously, but we as human beings adapt so well to our given roles that we can’t help but play them and get swept up in the emotions of something. I could almost guarantee that if these types of internet jokes were targeted at some other nation or people, over time, they too would start to hold a bit of a grudge. So, don’t think that any and all people who feel offended by this are tightwads who can’t take a joke. If the tables were turned, I’m not so sure you’d be laughing either.
And now for my favorite smiley, so people know that I can still laugh and have fun even though apparent “little” things continue to bug me:
I think if your offended by this, you really need to lighten up.
John Cleese pokes fun at his own country throughout his entire career a lot more than he poked fun at America in that little speech.
Besides, its only a joke. The American media makes innaccurate jokes about other countires all the time, and nobody makes a big deal of it, I mean, there just jokes.
Yes, reminds me of the American reaction against Belgium and especially France during the Iraq crisis, which I think were far more offensive “jokes” than this little one. Nobody gave a damn back then, but o shame on the one who’d dare to say something about the US. Then it’s all about “how dare you!!”
Oh but my country has been the spotlight of many practical jokes for many years now. And there ARE good reasons to make jokes about this country: its laughable way of doing politics; the many scandals from the previous years; our attitude; etc… And I think it is a good thing to make jokes about us, even if they can often be interpreted as being offensive. So no, I won’t stop laughing if people abroad make fun of us (the Dutch are pretty good at this ). Otherwise we would take us far too serious. Humor lightens you up, as Josh Redstone said, and it allows you to see things in perspective without overemphasizing their supposed importance. I don’t think that’s so wrong…
Why are you so offended? Maybe this is all new to you - having someone pick out your differences in your culture/heritage/country?
I come from NZ, and right now I live in Australia…our cultures are very similar and all we do is make fun of each other, from the way we talk - to what we have sex with! Most of it isn’t true and the funniest things are the half truths.
Besides, I thought half the ideas were a sarcastic way of how the british view themselves at the sametime as how they view the US - I thought he was taking the piss out of both cultures?!
Exactly- that whole article is being a joke on Uk stereotypes as well.Theres a stereotype of an englishman and in a way Cleese makes fun of it too-
this whole thing does not say “hey you Americans are silly” but “hey look how silly we are here in england but we dont care”.
I personally love english humour just because they laugh at themselves so much
Haha, well damn me for trying to explain why it is that people would actually be offended by something like this. I was just trying to present a different viewpoint on the matter, but apparently I did an incredibly unsatisfactory job of it, and just need to lighten up. Is it really a terrible thing to look down on the type of humor and jokes that poke fun at other people? Sometimes it just seems too spiteful, and like there is too much negativity, personal jabs, and hostility in the world. Sure, it can be funny at times, but sometimes it’s taken too far, and I get a mite sick of it. I don’t condone personal attacks on other nations either, mystic, so just because I chose to respond to this, doesn’t mean I’ve ever made a joke about where you live, or hold the view that “Oh my God, it’s okay when they do it to everybody else, but shame, shame, if they’re gonna poke fun at an American!”
I’ve nothing else to say, except: If you’re going to post topics that have the tendency to create controversy, don’t be surprised when you receive posts from people who didn’t like it.
- Doesn’t mean that american’s won’t find it funny though 
Perhaps it was better if I posted it in the BIG Jokes Topic, so people would KNOW it’s only a joke, and people should know jokes are not to be taken seriously…