Only the creme de la creme for you guys (some might’ve heard a few before). You’re all welcome to add your comments aswell.
A woman goes into a pet shop, immediately spotting a large colourful parrot. The price tag is $50 .00. “Why so little, sir?,” she asks.
The owner looks at her, says, “Look, Lady, I gotta tell ya - this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, so ta speak - and sometimes says some fairly vulga stuff.”
The woman thinks about it, deciding she just has to have the bird anyway and takes it home, puts the bird cage in the living room waiting for it to say something.
The bird slowly looks around the room, then at her and says, “New house, new madam.”
The woman is just shocked at the implication but thinks, “Gee, that’s not really so bad.”
Her two teenage daughters return from school and the bird sees them come in and says, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
They are a just a little bit offended - then begin to laugh about the situation.
Moments later the woman’s husband, Keith, comes home from work.
The bird looks at him and says, “Hi, Keith.”
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven … don’t step on the ducks.” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one ! day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” And the guy says, “Well, I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?”
A duck walks into a pub and heads straight for the bar. He asks the barman, “Have you got any bread?”
“No sorry, we don’t sell bread.”
“Have you got any bread?”
“No, I just told you, we don’t have any bread.”
“Aw right then. What about bread? Do you have any bread?”
“Look you stupid little duck, I don’t have any bread! And if you ask me for it one more time, I’m going to nail your beak to this bar!”
The duck pauses to think. “Have you got any nails?”
“No.”
“Have you got any bread?”
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a near by town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Whoop” so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Yahoo” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.
“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback…”
A couple attending an Art exhibition was looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts three very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; two have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist, an Irishman, walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? Im the artist who painted it." The man says "Well, we like the painting but dont understand why you have three African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis.”
The artist says, “Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They`re not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”