Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because, “We still live in a dangerous world.” Thanks to you, you ■■■■■■■
What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks! They’re arming the ■■■■■■■ world man. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons.” How do you know that? “Uh, well… We looked at the receipts Haar.” “Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we’re going in.” “What time’s the bank open? 8? We’re going in at 9.” “We’re going in for God and country and democracy and here’s a foetus and he’s a Hitler. Whatever you ■■■■■■■ need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!” Ohoh looks like Mr. Major was on the hot seat there for a second too. Little Iraqgate, little rapscallion he is. “Did we send, did I… did… I’ll have to check Maggie’s old calendar.” What’s funny about this. Every one of your papers says that you guys sold Iraq “machine tools”… which Iraq then converted into military equipment. I have news for you folks, a cannon is a machine tool. Your Orwellian language notwithstanding, it’s a ■■■■■■■ machine, it’s a tool. Our papers in the States have the same thing.
We sold Iraq “farming equipment” which Iraq then “converted”. How do they do this? “Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim.” Wow! It was a chicken coop, it’s now a nuclear reactor!" “This war’s for Aladdin.” Farming equipment which they converted into military, okay, you got me I’m curious, exactly what kind of farming equipment is this? “Oh okay, well it’s stuff for the farmers of Iraq.” Yeah? What? “Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the little farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er, flame-throwing rake.” “No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn around Boooo.” “But you know what the Iraqis did with that?” There’s no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you asshole? “We could have done our research better perhaps yes.” What else did you sell 'em? “Okay er one of the other things we gave 'em was a new thing… for the farmer.” “The, er, armoured tractor.” “No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times and they won’t see a tree and they’ll hit it maybe and there’ll be a wasps nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting 'em.” “So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot pesticides on the wasps.” “Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?” “Can’t trust 'em.” I’m so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the ■■■■■■■ arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries then we go and blow the ■■■■ out of em. We’re like the bullies of the world, you know. We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane… Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder’s feet: “Pick it up.” “I don’t wanna pick it up mister, you’ll shoot me.” “Pick up the gun”. “Mister, I don’t want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble mister.” “Pick up the gun.” Boom bom “You all saw him. He had a gun.”
Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because to me it’s a great example of, er, a totalitarian government’s ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they… Oh sorry wrong meeting… Ah ■■■■. That’s the meeting we’re having tomorrow at the docks. [winks] I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It’s a museum called… ‘The Assassination Museum’. I think they named that after the assassination. I can’t be too sure of the chronology here but… Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it’s really accurate, you know, cos Oswald’s not in it. “Yeah, yeh so wow that’s cool.” Painstaking accuracy, you know. It’s true, it’s called the ‘Sniper’s Nest’. It’s glassed in, it’s got he boxes sitting there. You can’t actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn’t want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of window] "No ■■■■■■■ way! I can’t even see the road. ■■■■ they’re lying to us. ■■■■! Where are they? There’s no ■■■■■■■ way. Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade… Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars… Someone overhead them saying ‘coup, coup’ Coo. Unbelievable. And you know what’s wild, people’s, er, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me: “Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It’s a long time ago - just forget about it.” And I’m like alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here. “Bill, you know Jesus died for you.” Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it! How about this. Get Pilate to release the ■■■■■■■ files. Quit washing your hands Pilate - release the goddamn files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day? “Bill, it was just, you know, huh, taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go.”
So there, we have figured out, go back to bed America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, you government is in control again. Here, here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go back to bed America, here’s American Gladiators. Here’s 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their ■■■■■■ skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America, you are free, to do as we tell you, you are free, to do as we tell you." “Oh good. Honey, I heard on the news that they’ve figured out that the gun, what happened is, is that there was an echo and Kennedy was, er, asking Jackie what it was, and that that’s why his head flew u… Honey what time’s Gladiators on? Are we missing it? I’m so glad we’re free, Honey.”
Aaah, they lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Liiie. When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well, you just realise, it’s not worth the ■■■■■■■ effort. There is a difference. “(toke, toke, toke) Sure I can get up at dawn (toke, toke), go to a job I hate, that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever, for the rest of my ■■■■■■■ life. [toke, toke]Or I can wake up at noon and learn how to play the sitar!” (makes sitar noises). Pretty simple when it’s spelled out in black and white isn’t it? You know. Only thing I’ve ever heard about pot is that pot might lower sperm count. Good! There’s too many ■■■■■■■ people in the world. Someone needs to say that by the way. Tired of this, “Hey hey aren’t we the coolest. Humans are so neat.” Too many of ya. Quit rutting, just for a ■■■■■■■ day. Let’s work out this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting.
Pot, right. Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit… paranoid? You know what I mean? It’s nature. How do you make nature against the ■■■■■■■ law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake. You know what I mean, it’s like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation: “There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways. Now, I can rest.” [Mimes God looking around - spotting pot] “Oh my me.” “I left ■■■■■■■ pot everywhere.” “I should never have smoked that joint on the third day …■■■■.” “That was the day I created possums. Haha. Still gives me a chuckle.” “If I leave pot everywhere that’s gonna to give humans the impression they’re supposed to… ‘use’ it.” “(sigh) Now I have to create Republicans.” And God wept.
You’ve been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it. There is a point, is there a point to all of this? Let’s find a point. Is there a point to my act? I would say there is. I have to. The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. [Audience member shouts ‘bollocks’] There is a lot denial in this ride, the ride, in fact, is made up of denial “All things work in Goatboys favour”. The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly coloured and it’s very loud and it’s fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, “hey - don’t worry, don’t be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride…” And we… kill those people. Ha ha “Shut him up.” “We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.” Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus mudered; Martin Luther King mudered; Malcolm X murdered; Gandhi murdered; John Lennon murdered; Reagan… wounded. But it doesn’t matter because: It’s just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love.
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much, you’ve been great. [Applause] I hope you enjoyed it. London, you were fantastic, thank you, thank you very much. [bow] [bow] [three shots ring out - Bill crumples to the ground]
