"Open" Relationships

I have just met a girl, and I can tell that our current friendship will probably turn into some sort of romance in the near future. We have talked alot about our views on relationships, and the whole boyfirend/girlfriend thing. She has told me that when she gets into a relationship with someone, she would like it to be an open relationship(this is where both partners are pretty much free to have sex with other people). I am ok with this, and think it is a good idea, as long as our sexual experiences outside of our realtionship are talked about. I have heard of many problems with this sort of relationship, but I do not foresee any, and have forgotten what the problems I have heard in the past were. Could anyone fill me in on potential problems with this sort of relationship so that I can make an informed descision?

Just imagine this girl. You have strong feelings for her. You love spending time with her. She has the cutest personality. You two get along wonderfully. You can’t imagine being closer with anybody else. You get tingly at the thought of touching her…

Now imagine her doing the most intimate thing possible with someone else. Some strange guy. How does that make you feel?

If you still think it won’t bother you, then I seriously question your feelings for her. You said you’re still at the “friendship” stage, and might just naturally slide right on into the “relationship” stage. At this point, it seems as though you’re not that into her, and that you two are only pursuing each other because you each would fill the boyfriend/girlfriend role in each other’s lives. What, then, is the point in it? Do you want a “relationship” just to have someone to hang out with and sleep with? Or do you want to be with her because you really care about her, and might love her?

It sounds to me as though it’s the whole Friends With Benefits concept. Does that sound right to you?

I think it seems strange that you’d be all for promiscuous behavior provided you both share your experiences. Why? Does sharing the intimate things you both do with other people make it less weird?

In the end, it’s all up to you. I would never suggest this sort of thing to anybody, regardless of their acceptance of it, etc. And really, not to judge her, but how devoted is she really going to be if she likes all her “relationships” to be open? It sounds as though she wants the comfort of having a boyfriend while also possessing the freedom of a single girl. To me, there should be no such thing.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I’ll be interested to hear what other people have to say about this. :smile:

We both have views on sex that differ from most people. There is the sex that two people that love each other share, which is beautiful, spiritual, and gnostic, and there is recreational sex, which is just what it sounds like: recreational. And you are correct, at this point I do not have very strong feelings for her. I have feelings, but I would not describe it as:

I met her only weeks ago, and we have not really talked much up until the past few days, but when we do, we talk for hours, and it gives me butterflies in my stomach. It is not a love, but I do have feelings for her, and I can see us clicking and getting into a serious relationship. For me right now, it seems like I would be okay with her being with a few other people(not a rampant sex rampage), as long as she does not feel the same way about them as she does about me. As long as they are having recreational sex, and not a loving, spiritual sex, I see no problem with it. It might take a little time to get used to, but I feel like it would remove the major element of: “where have you been?” “I think you’re cheating on me.” and “you smell like perfume, what have you been doing?”, etc. What this sort of relationship might add is still unclear to me, thus the posting of the topic.

Well, who knows? I’ll tell you Dan, if you get to like her, you’ll suffer from jealousy, and that’s a fact.

Yet… Just take a look at Sartre and Simone! They both managed to cope with it. They had such a clear, open mind, that they were able to respect each other’s affairs, and they were always there one for eachother, above all.

That’s the point. As free as your mind and visions are, you will be jealous. The question is—do you have what it takes to feel this jealousy and cope with it?

This is something you’ll have to find out for yourself.

Personally I don’t see the point in persuing a relationship with anyone if you are being intimate with someone else as well. This may come from my lack of needing “recreational” sex.

It sounds what you’re talking about is more friends with privilages. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I couldn’t personally have that type of relationship with someone I loved beyond a friendship level because you cannot really get over the is she just with me for the sex, or does she actually love me and have one heck of a libido.

If you aren’t in love with someone then that’s not really an issue. But if you are in love with someone and want an open relationship then there needs to be boundries and it needs to happen much later in the relationships, we might be animals and still have those animal instincts when it comes to sex, but we are human and human nature will always override those instincts, jealousy will creap in and that’s when it all hits the fan.

Swinging as a couple who have been together a long time and have built that trust can work, because swingers do it together, they are both there and they are both consenting and if one changes their mind, both leave.

But with an open relationship, the partners aren’t quite as open about it and you only hear about their other sexual partners (if at all) after the act, this is where the jealousy can creep in if you get romantic feelings or plan your relationship to be a longterm thing. Does she like him more than me? is she sleeping with more people than I know? what if she prefers someone else will she still see me in any way?

If you are just looking for sexual relationship and aren’t really planning on being a couple, have feelings beyond friendship then I say go for it you have nothing to lose, but if you want it to become an emotional thing then I would say beware, it’s emotions that set us appart from the animal kingdom and it’s what causes problems when it comes to intimacy.

What if you get to a point where you really love her and want to be exclusive and she decides no, she wants to keep sleeping around and ends the relationship (or vice versa)?

I just wanted top ahve one thign straight.

What if you coem to ehr place and she sleeps with a guy ?

You go out to the kitchen getting them a drink when their done ?

Been there and whatsnot.Only advice i have is not to mix it with feelings.It looks good now but i can assure you that as soon as deeper emotions are involved youre gonna face very difficult situation with acusations,argues and all that. Open relationship with other partners involved can be done only if you treat it recreationally.And even mature people get lost in it. Do it if youre sex curious- but save yourself huge troubles on your way and do so with someone else,preferably older.
If you decide to have it with your actuall gf- im afraid you might be sorry.
But choice is yours and whatever you choose, you`ll be one with the consequences.
Good luck!:slight_smile:
Ps.also dont trust the steadiness of your gf here- girls are far more emotionall and even if she shares your point of view now- theres huge chance she will not soon.

i could not disagree more. i was in a relationship that was “open” at a certain period of time. our agreement was to not talk about it. well, that did not happen, and both experienced jealousy and hurt. maybe your relationship with her will get serious, then you’ll know exactly what she has done, and with whom. it’s hard to keep that thought completely out of mind.

this is my line of thinking on the subject as well. but i know quite a few people who are into recreational sex. however i know that many of these people have a difficult time keeping feelings out of it.

bottom line: it sucks when you get together with a person, and you are not the only person they have slept/fooled around with from that point. at least one party involved always gets hurt.

This just doesnt seem like a good idea to me. :scared:

Well, me and this female have started having sex, but not dating or anything. We have both said we have feelings for each other, but we have decided to let them evolve and see if it takes us to a loving relationship or a friends with benifits thing. We’ll see…

It seems so rare these days when two people wait to have sex until they genuinely love each other…

nods my girl and i waited. made it such a lovely experience. i wish more people would want it to be that way.

It can be loving, but why can’t people just have fun with it as well? Every human yearns for it, so if there is a chance to do it, and you want to do it, why deny yourself just because you are not in love? Why not just have fun?

Why can’t people just have fun with it? Oh, plenty do have fun with it, as an overwhelming number of people hold your exact views, DayLight. I don’t however, and while I see sex as being fun, exciting, etc., I also know I could only do something that intimate with someone I was completely in love with. To me, it just wouldn’t be fulfilling as a type of sport. It wouldn’t mean anything. It would make me feel primitive and animalistic and like I was missing out for not waiting to experience it with the right person in the right circumstances. To me, waiting isn’t a problem at all. I equate sexual intimacy with love, and I don’t think I could ever separate the two. Besides, I am positive something like sex is infinitely better when there’s a strong, emotional connection. I’m content to wait for that. :smile:

I could not have a “relationship” with a girl like that. I could have sex with her as well as having sex with other people, but I would feel absolutely nothing for her.

To me a relationship is all about how you feel for each other and in that kind of situation I would have no emotions whatsoever for her.

Infact I dont think I could hear her talk about the other guys shes having sex with. I’m kind of the jeleous type.

As long as your having sex with other chicks then I guess its ok. But if your just having sex with her and growing more and more attatched while she is having sex with all these other guys then thats a messed up situation.

Powerbeyond is going to be harsh.

imagine you bump into her one night when your out shopping or something, you are with her… but you see her talking with abother guy, graphic details edited out before she comes to your house at nights… imagine the diseases he might have… you want to end up with clamydia and stuff like that? all i can say is yuck! she sounds, not trying to be rude or something, but she sounds kind of cheap… to me this doesent sound like a good idea… how can a relationship be serious if its like this? imagine you having kids and they ask one night, where is mommy? what would you say? “oh, she is off doing the bee and flower thing with some other guy” :neutral: this sort of relationship will lead to jealousy i think…[/i]

Seems like admitting to have sex for pleasure and fun is not widely accepted.
Hes not forcing anyone to do same and hes not forcing anyone to approve it- guy just asked for dangers and gets a label.Gets judgement.Its not too fair.
Its your life mate- do it your way and be happy:)

Jack, you can’t expect to post something like that and not get flak from people. He asked for opinions, and that’s what he got. I don’t think anybody was particularly harsh, and if he’s now subject to being “labeled”, then so be it. That’s just the way the world works. People are going to have opinions of other people based on how they live their lives.

And besides, he is and already has chosen to live his life the way he wants regardless of what anybody said, so I don’t see the feedback he got as being detrimental in the slightest.

I just don’t foresee these types of relationships working for one big reason; the fact that as long as your that close to someone else, there’s a chance that the original open relationship will not last. So if you want a long term relationship, like a marriage, I’m not so sure this type of thing would work. It would depend on who else you saw, and how often.
Personally, I wouldn’t go for this type of thing, but if someone else wants to try it I’m not going to stop them. Just be aware that there is always the chance that being with that many other people may cause the original ‘spark’ of the relationship to vanish.

Must be either me too sensitive or my english fault- just thought i write few lines,no big deal.