As many here are familiar with me, I’ve always possessed an innate ability for overwhelming control in my dreams. Whether I be lucid or not, has never really changed this. There are very few times I’m just a random powerless individual in some random other world that falls victim to the atrocities that lie within it.
There was a point in my past (either a year ago, or two years ago… I’ve lost sense of time). That i was pursuing losing my control as it were. I wished to experience things on a different level than I was familiar with. Sure, lucid dreaming is enjoyable and fulfilling to people who don’t see that kind of thing often - to those who are trapped in this life as a powerless individual. We all are, but what differentiates some people is the importance of both life and their dreams.
For me, I’ve always been lost in that other place. Life has little registered for me as I was naturally attuned to all the potential and infinity that the dream world presents. This wasn’t just me falling into lucid dreams, or even sleeping dreams in general, no. This has been something that has plagued me since birth within every waking moment. Waking dreams that took me places I was not. Forced me to experience and be exposed to material and concepts that are normally restricted from the waking world. A “privilege” to some…
This has always been somewhat controllable to a point of not bothering me on a psychological level. Despite being diagnosed with an “issue” and how much of a struggle it has presented me in living a life in this world, I’ve for the most part been able to remain firm. I’m sure all the regulars on the board here that are familiar with me however have seen those times when that didn’t appear so. Yes, I’ve gone a little over the edge, but I’ve remained conscious about it and reasonable about it, or at least I believe so…
I’ve not been active on the site for the last year, and my dreams once at least fulfilling to a point have since lost that affect. My dreams have fallen to a point that nothing will happen unless I wish it to. There is nothing unexpected, adventurous, or thrilling about them at all. It has become to the point that it is no different than simply daydreaming, or writing a book. It happens how you write it.
I used to enjoy doing little things, like exploring, searching for people, etc. But for the last year I have done one thing only, and that is when I become Lucid, I look to the skies, find a star or something else in the sky, and off I go… Slipping through the ether, through space, towards that object to see what I will find… Because everything around me is strictly whatever I wish it to be. There is no practicing. There is no learning… There is no experimenting or trying out new things. If I want something to happen, it just simply happens… I’ve found some interesting things in the last year… Other places. Other existences with mechanics that are far different than our physical world here. I found an entire universe that was a form of liquid rather than space, with giant strands of living material that looked like centepedes, swimming across space, lightyears long…
However… My attunement to my subconscious has become so strong that none of this is possible anymore… Even in my normal dreams, when something happens that I don’t want it to, I simply rollback time a minute or so and have the dream replay how i wish it to. When I speak to DC’s, they say what I am expecting, rather than me being surprised. When I try to do things with DCs, I simply feel like i’m writing out their actions and on a certain level just simply giving them commands of my own… When I look to the stars and fly… I find myself writing out what I’m about to find, and sure enough, it is indeed what I see. There is no surprise anymore in anything I do. I literally feel myself writing the dream in the back of my mind so i know exactly what is going to happen at every given moment, and I can change it on the fly, or rewind time and give it an alternative playout, which then turns into the prior experience seeming like nothing more than a thought or a memory, that never happened. What if I attempt to halt my control? I do. This is something I can do as well… However when I do, the slate becomes blank. DC’s just stare at me with no reactions… The star i’m flying towards never gets closer… I write nothing, so nothing happens.
My dream world - of which used to be considered my realities. They were so real to me, have become nothing but programming to me. They’ve lost all meaning and purpose, and do not even flow out as stories any longer. They have no foundation, and hold no purpose, like an empty page in a story book… Yes… So I can rewrite my dreams how i see fit, in any way I wish, whether I want to or not. But why? What is the point?
I’ve lost my sense of purpose in everything. There was always little in life for me, and now dreams have become meaningless as well. Now I feel as though the entirety of existence is just a void with nothing meaningful in it. At this point I am not sure what to do. I’ve reached a point that there is nothing left to do. Nothing left to see, nor explore. And so i just bide my time by trying to remain as comfortable as possible until something presents itself to me.
. Also, it doesn’t matter what we talk about, we always feel good talking. But still, its a great feeling to be able to speak whatever you want with friends. I can speak about everything with them, without losing interest.