A stick. 
Two drums and a symbol fall out of a truck.
duh-duh tss
That’s supposed to be that drumline played at the end of the punchline. Loses its edge in text.
EDIT: fixed one
1)Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the award?
He was out standing in his field. 
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A guy walks into a diner and sits down. He orders his usual meal and starts eating. Halfway through he notices a Panda is eating not to far away. The Panda finishes its meal, gets up, takes out two pistols and starts shooting, then it walks out the door. The guy asks the waiter, “Why did the Panda just take out pistols and start shooting?” The waiter replied, “Look it up in the dictionary.” When the guy gets home he looks up Panda. It says “Panda:eats shoots and leaves.”
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Did you hear about the teacher with the lazy eye that was fired?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
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An atom walks into a bar and has a few drinks. When the atom is about to walk out the door, he notices he’s missing an electron. “I’ve just lost my electron!” “Are you sure?” said the bartender. “I’m positive!”
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Did you know that bombs from a bomber are always 100% accurate? They always hit the ground!
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A plane is flying through some thick fog at night time.
The pilot then pulled out .38 revolver.
Pilot: You know what I use this for?
Navigator: What?
Pilot: I use it on navigators who get me lost!
The navigator then pulls out a .44 magnum.
Pilot: What’s that for?
Navigator: To tell you the truth, I’ll know we’re lost before you do.
- Two friends are walking down the street and stumble upon a genie’s lamp. “Wow! We could get three wishes!” So one of them rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says “You get three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your friend will receive double.” “Ok! I wish for a billion dollars!” “You know your friend will get double?” “Oh, I know.”
Poof! a billion dollars appeared and 2 billion for the friend. “For my second wish, I wish for a 2000 foot yacht.” “Ok, your friend gets a 4000 foot one though.” “And what will your last wish be?” The first friend said “I wish to be beaten half to death.” “You know your friend gets double, right?” “Yes I do.”
I read this on someone’s blog the other day, it’s so bad but my sister and I laughed for 3 minutes. 
Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?”
When Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Margaret and the Nun said “Very good” and Margaret fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun asked Margaret, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, Margaret didn’t even stir from her slumber.
0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Margaret and the Nun said “Very Good” and Margaret fell back asleep.
Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that d**m thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Nun fainted.
3 blondes were walking in the woods and came across some tracks.
Blonde 1: I think they’re bear tracks.
Blonde 2: I think they’re wolf tracks.
The 3rd blonde couldn’t say anything. She got ran over by a train.
I love dumb blonde jokes…
A. The japanese eats little fat and have less heart attacks than englishmen and americans.
B. The french eats a lot of fat and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.
C. The japanes drinks little red wine and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.
D. The italians drink a lot of red wine and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.
SPOILER - Click to view
Conclusion: Eat and drink exactly what and how much or little you want. It’s talking english that kills people.
I found this joke to be one of the best ones I’ve ever heard. I heard it 6 months ago but I can’t find it so it’s written straight from my memory.
(Translated from Swedish)
A woman was driving along the road when a cop shouts for her to pull over. The woman parks her car aside the road and the male cop comes up to her.
“Excuse me ma’m but are you aware that you were driving way too fast?”, the cop says.
"Oh, I’m sorry., the woman answers
“Do you have a drivers license?”, the cop says.
"Yeah, I think it’s here somewhere along with my gun, the woman answers
“You have a gun in your car?!”, the cop says.
"Ah, yes, it’s not the most modern gun, and it has blood stains all over it but it sure works good., the woman answers
“Blood? Who’s blood?”, the cop asks.
“The blood from the guy I shot, he’s laying in my luggage space along with some hitchhiker from last week.”, the woman answers.
“Oh my god, stay right here!”, the cop command the woman.
“As you wish, officer.”, she answers.
The cop walks quickly up to his car and calls for backup.
The chief police walks up to the woman, armed and backed up by two other cops. The cop who pulled her over is standing back at his car.
The chief of police asks the woman to step out of the car. She does exactly what she’s been told.
They search her car but cannot find any bodies or guns.
“One of my men told me you had two dead bodies in your luggage space, is that true?”, he asks the woman.
“What? No, not at all.”, the woman aswers chocked but calmly.
“I also heard that you had a gun in your car, is that true?”, the chief of police asks her.
“Absolutely not! Let me guess, he’s also told you I was speeding?!”, the woman answers.
This is not the original joke (which I’m sure was much funnier) but this was written from my memory.
You Know You’re Living In 2007 When…
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You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
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You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
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You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
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You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
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Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
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You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
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Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
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Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
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You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
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You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
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You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
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Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
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You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
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You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.
This one is kinda bad… but here goes.
There are 3 young boys, called Shutup, Manners, and Sh*t.
Sh*t got ran over by a lorry, and Manners was trying to help him up, as he was still alive but both his legs were broken. Shutup decided to call an ambulance. He phoned and gave the name of the place and said what had happened. Before he put the phone down, however, the person at the other end of the phone asked him what his name was… Their conversation went something like this…
Person: So, what’s your name?
Shutup: Shutup.
Person: I only asked, please, what is your name?
Shutup: Shutup.
Person: Where’s your manners?
Shutup: In the middle of the road picking up Sh*t.
Are you watching me lol? 
Everything on that list is true lol Except I entered my PIN on my tv remote control 
A duck goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and says “Got any bread?” the barman replies “Sorry mate we don’t do food”. A minute later the duck says “Got any bread?” so the barmen repeats “Look mate I just told you we don’t do food”. Another minute passes and the duck pipes up “Got any bread?” At this the barman shouts at him …Look Ive told you twice we don’t do food, if you ask me again I’ll nail your beak to the bar!" A couple of minutes pass and the duck asks “Got any nails?” . At this the barman loses his rag and shouts at the duck “NO we haven’t got any nails” - the duck looks at him for a moment and asks “Got any bread then”.
That joke is brilliant… I heard it ages ago, and still laugh at it.
here’s one for you… Might offend, so it will be in spoilers…
[spoiler] Jesus walks into a hotel one day, and gives the receptionist a handful of nails. The receptionist looks bewildered and then Jesus speaks.
"Hey, can you put me up for the night? [/spoiler]
i know that joke , (the one moogle wrote…) its nice
eyeroll at HebreWs joke …
That joke’s from The Crow isn’t it, HebrewB?
What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
SPOILER - Click to view
A Zebra
Indeed it is… Awesome movie… R.I.P Brandon Lee…
Someone else posted this on another forum, and thought it would be nice to post it here too. It’s quite long, but some are pretty nice 
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH :
- You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
- You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
- a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed - You’re exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
- You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen
is your capital… - You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it’s a
national tradition. - You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
- You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still
you’ve never seen your neighbours. - If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame
the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans. - Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN :
- You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
- If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
country. - You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
- You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans - Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
- No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and
they make fun of you. - More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
- You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
- All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
- Face it. It’s not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
Give them a second chance :
- Oktoberfest.
- Oktoberfest-beer.
- BMW.
- VW.
- Audi.
- Mercedes.
- On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail
in any other country of the world. - You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
- You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
- Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH : - Two World Wars and One World Cup.
- Warm beer.
- You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
- You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
- Union jack underpants.
- Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
- You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
- Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
- Ditto changing underwear.
- Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
- You ain’t English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH :
- You’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
- Guinness.
- 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.
- You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.
- Pubs never close.
- Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex
with a condom on. - No one can ever remember the night before.
- Kill people you don’t agree with.
- Stew.
- More Guinness.
- Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH : - When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
- Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
- You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.
- If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
- You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4. - You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
- You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
- Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride. - You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
- People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
- You can have a woman president without electing her.
- You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
- You can call Budweiser beer.
- You can be a crook and still be president.
- If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
- If you can breathe you can get a gun.
- You get to be really obese.
- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care. - You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
- You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN :
- You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
- You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
- You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
ozone-hole radiation the other half. - You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
- You can go skiing in your knickers.
- You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
- You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
- You don’t need to worry about land prices rocketing -
its fairly spacious. - When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you. - You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
- Unembarrassed to wear fur.
- No need to worry about tax returns.
- Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
- Can wear sunglasses inside.
- Political stability.
- Flexible working hours.
- Live near the Pope.
- Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.
- Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH : - Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
- The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
- You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
- The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
- Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.
- Honesty.
- Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls. - You get to eat bull’s testicles.
- Gibraltar.
- Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
- Chicken Madras.
- Lamb Passanda.
- Onion Bhaji.
- Bombay Potato.
- Chicken Tikka Masala.
- Rogan Josh.
- Popadoms.
- Chicken Dopiaza.
- Kingfisher lager.
- Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
- It beats being an American.
- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground. - You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground. - Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
- A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise. - Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground. - Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins. - Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN : - Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no
civilized nation on earth wanted. - Fosters Lager.
- Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000
years because you think it belongs to you. - Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
- Tact and sensitivity.
- Bondi Beach.
- Other beaches.
- Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
- Drinking cold lager on the beach.
- Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK : - You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture
most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes. - The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are
supposed to be chasing. - You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the
thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach contents up at the sight. - Old women can sport moustaches.
- Young women can sport moustaches.
- Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in
a zoo. - You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of
the world sees it as an instrument of torture. - You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to
let everyone else around the world know about it - Ridiculous bureaucracy.
- Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
one liners …
I childproofed my house, but they still get in!
It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
edit 19 Dec
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. “Quick sister,” screams one nun, “Show him your cross!”
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “Hey! You! Buzz off!”
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I canget a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop full of customers andsaid, “About two hours.”
The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “Howlong before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop andsaid," About three hours."
The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How longbefore I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said,“About an hour and a half.”
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Followthat guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.
"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”
Bill lookedup, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
“Your house.”
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
where’s my tractor?
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, “Man,what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.
The other two couldn’t believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”