Whispa, I told your joke at my concert tonight 
People seemed to like it a lot!
A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male
How was the concert? Were you performing?
It went well! It was a concert for the Jazz Band at my highschool. I play Baritone Saxophone in it. The whole “theme” of the concert was Jokes and Java, so people got to wander around and drink coffee and deserts while we played, and told jokes in between.
Train Ride
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
“How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the men.
“Watch and learn,” answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please!! "
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don’t buy any ticket at all!!
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed man
“Watch and learn,” answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves hertoilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says,“Ticket, please.”
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The String
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked “Why the spoon?” … “Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we canreduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?” “Oh,certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found
out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent.”
“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk…
The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied, "You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”
“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??”
“I can’t pee out of it,” he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you’re gonna lose!
LOL! good one, Mohegan
My priest told me this one 
A guy is late… again… this time for an important meeting. He DESPERATELY needs to get there in time. He drives around the block what must have been 40 times looking for a parking space, but he can’t find any. With time running out, he leans out his window and shouts “God, i promise i will go to church every sunday, i just need a parking space!”
Then, a miracle. A space opens up right in front of the doors he needs to go in! The man leans out his window and shouts “Never mind, i found one!”
Ok here’s a few:
A Pirate was looking out to sea one day and spys a single ship coming to attack. He calls to yhe first mate. “Prepare for battle and fetch me my red shirt” The first mate does this and the ships fight an epic battle. The captains ship wins. After the fight the first mate asks the captain. “Why do you wear your red shirt sir?” The captain replied “Well if I was wounded the crew wouldn’t be able to see it and give up.” A few days went by and the Captain spys thirty enemy ships comeing towards them. He calls to the first mate. “Fetch me my brown pants and prepare for battle!.”
OK to keep with the theme:
A pirate meets an old pirate friend who has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye.
“What happened to your leg?”
“It was bitten off by a shark.”
“What happened to your hand?”
“It was blown off in a battle”
“What happened to your eye?”
“A seagull crapped in my eye.”
“That won’t take your eye out.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
Thats all for now
What is the difference between a caberet show and a magic show?
One is a cunning array of stunts and the other…
i got this off of internet
#1 God got really pissed so he decided to end the world he called what he thought were the most powerful men in the world Boris Yeltsvin,Bill Gates and Bill Clinton he told each man that they have one week to prepare there people for the apocalypse then he sent them back to earth bill clinton gathered all his officials and said i have good news and bad news good news is there is god bad news is he is going to end the world then boris yeltsvin gathered everyone and said i have bad news and worse news the bad news is there is a god the worse news is he is going to end the world then bill gates gathered all his engineers and said i have goodnews and betternews the goodnews is god considers me the most powerful man on earth the better news is we dont have to fix windows 95
God made punctuation marks for a reason…
I’m going to post some blonde jokes cause they’re really easy to remember. (no offense to blonde people)
A blondes standing at a vending machine and keep putting money in typing the number and taking something out.
A person walks up behind them and says " excuse i’ve been waiting ages can i use this"
The Blonde says. “i’m not moving from here I keep winning!”
It sound better if i actually say it…oh well
I said to a blonde on december the 20th that christmas was just around the corner and then they rn off to look for it.
A blonde a brunette and a ginger person are on an island in the middle of a lake without a boat but with trees on the island. They can see the mainland from where they are. The blonde swims across to the mainland. The Ginger person cuts down some trees and makes a raft. The brunette walks across the bridge.
2 blondes walk into a building.
you’d think 1 of them would of noticed it.
The little candle said to the big candle “i’m going out tonight”
Patient:Doctor! Doctor! theres a strawberry growing out of my arse!
Doctor: I’ll give you some cream for it.
Sorry that most of my jokes are really bad. 
An arial and a satilight got married the other day.
The cerimony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!! Love that joke.
Lol, I love that one - I told one of my classmates it and he actually thought about it for 10 minutes! Then he ate half the copper carbonate powder he was testing.
I have a joke, but I haven’t any other of these type of jokes on the thread so if there is some reason it shouldn’t be here, I’ll edit. 
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting Cow.”
"Interrupting C- "
“MOO!”
I found this joke on a website about a year ago. Kind of funny.
Good one
Insurance claim forms… These are real BTW.
“I STARTED to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
“I PULLED into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”
Q: COULD either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
THIS customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on his claim
form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by other party?
A: Moo.
“I STARTED to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and a elephant
tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and
hit a bollard”
“ON approach to the lights the car in front suddenly broke”
“I DIDN’T think the speed limit applied after midnight”
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting, or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry ***an.
“FIRST car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis run into
the rear of second car”
“WINDSCREEN broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”
“I PULLED away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment”
“THE other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”
“I COLLIDED with a stationary truck coming the other way”
“A TRUCK backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”
“A PEDESTRIAN hit me and went under my car”
“IN an attempt to kill a fly. I drove into a telephone pole”
“I HAD been shopping for plants all day and was on my home. As I reached an
intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other car”
“TO avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian”
“AN invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”
“I WAS thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows”
“MY car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle”
“I WAS on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way cause me to have an accident”
“THE pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran him over”
o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found
that I had a fractured skull.
o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.
o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car.
o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.
o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end.
o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.”
“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”
“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”
“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”
“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.”
“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”
“My car got hit by a submarine.” (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)
“I drove out of my drive straight into a bus… The bus was four minutes early.”
“Coming home from work, I turned into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.”
“I drove into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”
“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”
“The pedestrian admitted the accident was his fault had he been knocked down before”
what’s brown and sticky?
