I’m bored, so you may be bombarded with oneliners.
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
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Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
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An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He Shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
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I went to a seafood disco last week… And pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Of course it sank. This proved once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
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A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other went to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends hoping that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh . No pun in ten did.
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Two blondes walk into a building…you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” "What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “No, because he’s really heavy”
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Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
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Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat boy!”
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
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A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
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Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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What did the moogle who had to read 37 lame jokes say? - 
Love it ^^
I think those are my favourites.