right phun talking to yourszelf when you yourself are responsing totally unnatural 
You wrote allmost as bad as Painocus 
I know quite a lot of jokes. A few opf which may be classed as “In bad taste” so i won’t post them. But here are the rest.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What do you call a walk with no legs? A raisin.
Why did people worship the sock? Because it was Holey.
A man walked into a bar, he said “OWWWWWW!”
A man listened to the match, he burnt his ear.
@ Magnus. We have those sort of jokes aswell, just about irish people. Here is one of them.
An irishman gets locked in a food store overnight and starved to death.
How did the irishman break his leg when sweeping leaves? He fell out of the tree.
I’ll stop the irish jokes now. I will now move onto Blonde jokes.
A man needed his porch painted. He called a painter and the painter came. She was tall, blonde and carried a ladder with her for the painting. He asked her to paint the porch, and she said okay and walked away to start the painting. 10 minutes later she returns and says she has done it. He gives her the money and she then says “By the way, that’s not a porsche, its a ferrari!”
I love blonde jokes… roflmao
I’m not a joke person but a friend of mine told me this one:
If a girl with big boobs can work at Hooters, shouldn’t a girl with one leg work at IHOP?!
Never heard that one before. ^^
lol this isnt really a joke but its worth to read ok
– Two different men were driving on different cars on a foggy night. ( fake story yet funny) Both cars were later discovered twenty feet from each other and were on the side of the road… The cars were not damages yet both men had bloody noses and brain-damage… the question is… what happened…
–answers— it was foggy so both men stuck their heads out the window and eventually crashed heads with each other when driving by! 
Here’s a typical “norwegian, swedish and danish” joke, excluding the danish guy.
A norwegian and swedish guy were at the movies watching a western movie. Then the norwegian guy bet 100 kr that the indian would jump outta the rock and shoot the cowboy, the swedish bet against him. They watched on and the indian did jump outta the rock and shoot the cowboy. Then the norwegian guy says “Ah, forget the bet, I’ve watched the movie twice so it’s not fair to bet. I knew what would happen.”, then the swedish guy replies “Yeah, me too, and I never even had the slightest idea of the cowboy wanting to do the same mistake twice.”
That joke got to my sense of humour White Mage Cid - I’m really laughing out loud in real life instead of just smiling or groaning 
Not really jokes but, just funny anyway.
Car accident claim statements (real, for definite)
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road,
and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment
And, 22 things you should never say to a policeman
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I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
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Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
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Aren’t you that guy from the Village People?
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Hey, you must have been doin’ at least 120 mph to keep up with me…Good job!
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Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
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I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
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I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
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Bad cop! No donut!
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You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
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Gee, Officer…that’s terrific…the last officer only gave me a warning too!
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Excuse me…is stick up hyphenated?
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Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.
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Is it true that people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?
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I pay your salary!
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So, uh, you on the take, or what?
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Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
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Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
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I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that’s how far ahead of me they are.
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What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.
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Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
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Hey, is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
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Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Enjoy…
Another joke…
There were these two brothers named Shut Up and Trouble.
One day, Shut Up couldn’t find Trouble and so went out looking for him.
While he was looking, a police car drove by and stopped.
He asked, “Hi, kid, what is your name?”
The boy answered him saying, "Shut Up.
" The cop, trying not to get upset, again says,
“Answer the question, what is your name ?”
Confused, he replies, “Shut Up!”
The policeman, now getting very agitated says, "okay kid, are you looking for trouble ?
" Shut Up, very excited, answers, “yeah, have you seen him ?”
Joke 1
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
Joke 2
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. “I’m so happy to see you recovering”, he says. The woman responds, “Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?” He replies, “Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure.”
“In fact,” he goes on, “you’ve given birth to twins - a boy and a girl”. The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, “Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. We’ll call and tell him you’re okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names.”
At this point, the woman gets upset, “Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?” The doctor answered that her name was Denise. “Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. What name did he give my boy?” The doctor answered, “Denephew”.
Joke 3
How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
Joke 4
A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: “Don’t worry - we’re safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine.”
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: “But don’t worry - we’re still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours.”
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: “Don’t worry - even with one engine, we’re still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt.”
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: “If the last engine breaks down, too, then we’ll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!”
Joke 5
It’s the close of the day. The job is done. The farmer is thanking the ploughman and paying him for the work. “It’s a fine job. Except I can’t help noticing that you missed a little patch by the hedge here.”
The ploughman looks contrite. “I know he said. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t bring myself to plough over that small patch of grass.” There is a tear in the ploughman’s eye. “It is the place where I first ever made love.”
The farmer is moved. “That’s a lovely story, I had no idea you were so romantic.” And then, reluctantly, “But you missed another little patch under the tree over there.”
“Ah.” The ploughmans eyes are misty as he recalls the event. “That’s where her mother sat and watched us.”
“Sat and watched you! Good God man, what did she say?”
“Baa.”
The Bartender and The Pirate
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate “Where did ya get that peg leg from?”
The Pirate responded “We were sailing the seas when a big ol’ shark came up to me while I was swimmin’ and bit off me leg.”
Later the Bartender asked “Where did you get that hook then?”
The pirate responded “Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone.”
The bartender then asked “Then where did ya get the eye patch from?”
The pirate said “In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye.”
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, “How would that make you get an eye patch?”
The pirate responded, “First day with the hook.”
Here’s one:
A dylsexic man walks into a bra…
I have one:
This guy walks into a restraunt with a full grown ostricht and sits down and the waitress asks what he wants. he says he wants a hamburger with frys and a coke. then the waitress asks the ostricht what it wants and it replies, “I’ll have the same”. The waitress says that it will be $9.40 and the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out exact change. The man comes in with his ostricht the next day and does the exact same. After awhile this becomes routine and so one friday the man walks in and the waitress asks if he wants the usual, and the man responds, “No it’s friday, I’ll have a steak and a baked potatoe”, and she asks the ostricht, and it says “I’ll hav the same”. The waitress responds, that it will be $32.60 and the man again, pulls out exact change. Curious, the waitress asks, “How do you pull out exact change every time, and whats with the ostricht?” The man says, “I found a magic lamp and got two wishes. One was to pull out exact change every time I bought something.” The waitress says, wow that’s pretty neat, most people would wish for a million dollars, but you will always have money, whether it’s a hamburger, or a jaguar, you will have exact change. Then the waitress asked, “But what was your second wish?” And the man replies, for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.
OK, this was Charlie Chaplin’s favorite joke:
A man walked into a baker’s shop and asked if the baker could bake him a sweet roll in the shape of the letter “e”. The baker says he can, and to come back the next day.
The man does come back, and the baker shows him the “E”. “Oh, but this is a capital “E”. I’m sorry, I need lower case.” The baker says to come back the next day and then the “e” would be ready.
The man does come in the next day, and the baker shows him the “e”. “Do you want me to put this in a package for you?” asks the baker. “No, I’ll just eat it here.” Replies the man.
oh my god thats rank! 
not sure wether i should laugh or go yak in the sink 
laugh, SRZ… LAUGH!
why do French tanks have 5 gears in reverse and one forward?
Just incase someone attacks from the rear!
They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.”
“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”
Another one…
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, “Life is so darned boring. We never have any
fun any more. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled
her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”
Another…
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, “That`s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Why, he shouldn’t say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Yet another…
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming goes into The doctor’s office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes Back and says, “I’m not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS.”
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, “Doc, what can I do?”
The doctor says, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal… and top it off with a gallon of prunejuice.”
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”
“No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”
And another… tell me if i did too much…
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me sir” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turns around and says “Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?”
“I’m from Dublin” came the reply.
“Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy street”
The second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”
“162” the first man replies.
“Me too! What are your parents names?”
“Connor and Shannon”
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks “What’s new today?”
“Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.”
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)