epic 
The 5 FACTS
5 facts on Earth. Fact 1 : You can’t touch all your teeth with your tongue. Fact 2 : After reading fact 1 all fools will try it. Fact 3 : Now you will smile ‘cause you have become a fool. Fact 4 : Now you will tell this joke to other fools. Fact 5 : Fact 1 is false. Hello fool.
I love the Muffin joke, I was telling that at work today. That joke is so funny.
What do you call 1000 nuns in a shop?
Virgin megastore 
‘My girlfriends a vegetarian, so for her birthday i bought her a ‘cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’ book. because not only is she a vegetarian…’ 
This may get deleted, but its worth a try, sorry if it offends 
, that is not the intention.
edited out …
– Hope you like =]
Did you here about the women who couldnt pay her excercisem bill…
She got repossesed.
merged :wnvoss:
Post all your funny jokes here
I got one:
So this guy gets a call from a doctor
and the doctor tells him “You need to come down to the hospital, you’re wife’s been in a accident”
so the guy goes down there
and the doctor tells him “Good news or Bad news first?”
and the guy says “Aw, give me the bad news”
The doctor says “Your wife is paralized, you have to feed her and dress her and bathe her”
and the guy replies saying “Aw shit what’s the good news?”
and the doctor says “I’m fucking with you, she’s dead”
I apologize in advance for the following:
So I say to my friend: “Hey, are you a Cartesian Dualist?”
He responds: “Nah, I don’t play Yu-Gi-Oh!.”
For the record, I don’t think it’s that funny either.
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site one day when Paddy turns to Murphy and says “ey Paddy, watch this, I’ll betcha I can get the day off”
With that Paddy climbs to the top of the rafters and starts swinging off them shouting “I’m a lighbulb, I’m a Lightbulb”
Sure enough, the foreman comes along, tells Paddy he’s mad, to pack his tools and go home for the day.
Murphy, watching this, starts packing his tools too - the Foreman asks him “What d’ya think you’re doing then”
Murphy simply explains: “Well I’m not working in the dark!”
Maybe some IRC quotations?
1.
67% of women don’t use their brain at all…
I’m from that 13%
2.
That Maggie is such a btch
What???
Fck, wrong window
3.
There’s such a high pressure there that it’d blow your balls
I’m a girl
So it’d blow your brain
She’s a girl
4.
Hey, wanna talk?
<Fking your mom>Look at my nick
So?
<Fking your mom>Don’t you understand?
No, but let’s learn something about each other
<Fking your mom>But I know you
How?
<Fking your mom>Look at my nick
Dad?
Uhm, may want to keep teh content down there, kuba.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There’s skid marks in front of the lawyer!
There’s a guy speedin’ down the road at nearly 100 mph, and this cop pulls him over. He says, “Alright, bud, what’s your excuse?”
And the driver says, “It wasn’t my fault, officer, my .22 was stuck under the brake.”
“Your .22? Uhm, can I see your license and registration papers?”
“This isn’t even my car. I stole it, killed the owner, and stuffed him in the trunk.”
The cop goes, “Uhhh,” and goes back to his car for backup.
He comes back with a whole bunch of these other officers. “He stole the car, shot the owner dead, and hid him in the the trunk!”
So the driver says, “What are you talkin’ 'bout?” and they check in the trunk, and there’s no dead guy. He shows them his papers and license, and he really does own the car. He gives the cop a glare and says, “I bet the liar said I was speeding, too!”
Not sure you’ll understand this: (it’s a php joke)
This is a corny chick joke but my kids love it (just make sure to change your voice with the characters)
Rooster decided that baby chicken is ready to become a “man”. Went to the bar
Daddy Rooster (with a deep voice) “Serve the strongest shot to my son!..(done) Son do you feel anything?”
Baby Chicken (with a little voice) “I don’t feel anything”
Daddy Rooster (with a mad deep voice) “What? Bartender give me another one but double… now son?”
Baby Chicken (with a fragile little voice) “I don’t feel anything”
Daddy Rooster (extra loud voice) “WTF, thats my son!, keep serving him!”
After 5 tries the father ask again
“Son do you feel anything now?”
The baby chick replied with a fragile crying little voice “I still don’t feel anything… I don’t feel my feet, I don’t feel my peak, I don’t feel my wings, I don’t feel anything”
For the physics geeks:
A professor is lecturing on angular momentum and, as a demonstration, is spinning on a chair with weights in each hand. However, he loses his balance is thrown off. He then apologizes for going off on a tangent.
One day, a peasant goes the mayor of the village.
-Good day, sir. I have an ugly name and I would like to change it.
-What is your name, if you say it’s so ugly?
-Jack D!c#h3@d.
-Oh, that’s an ugly name indeed. And what new name would you like?
-John D!c#h3@d
This is croatian joke about slovenians but you’ll get it, its an universal 
There were three guys by the river…one was bosnian,one croatian and one slovenian.
they found gold fish…
Gold Fish: “look, there’s three of you so you get one wish per person
bosnian guy steps first;
Bosnian: “I want Bosnia to be the greatest country in the world, everyone rich and happy”
Gold Fish: “so it will be”
Slovenian: " i want all the non-slovenians out of the country,and then make a wall mile high so nobody can enter anymore”
Gold Fish: “so it will be”
Croatian: “Does the wall leak?”
Gold Fish: “uhm…no.”
Croatian:" good, fill it to the top! "
One for Qu
Newton, Pasquale and Tesla were playing hide and seek
So the Tesla counts, Newton hides and Pasquale just draws an rectangle around him.
Tesla : “Ha ! Pasquale i found you, now you count.”
Pasquale: "No, Tesla, Pasquale squared is Newton, its his turn! "
Okay i’ll try:
There’s a hotel in a city, but there is just THIS hotel.
And there are three men: a german, a russian and a chinese.
They all want to sleep in that hotel, but threre is just ONE room left. No one wants to sleep there because there are supposedly ghosts. The german says:" Who cares! I’ll sleep in the room." He walks into the room and hears a noise:“When i’ll get you, i’ll eat you! When i’ll get you i’ll eat you! " The german is so scared that he jumps out of the window.
The chinese says “What a coward!” and goes into the room. After a few minutes, he also hears that voice:” When i’ll get you, i’ll eat you! When i’ll get you, i’ll eat you!"
The chinese is also scared and jumped out of the window…
The russian says:" Now it’s my turn^^" In the room he hears that voice:" When i’ll get you, i’ll eat you! When i’ll get you i’ll eat you!" The russian opens a cupboard. He sees a boy with his finger is his nose: "When i’ll get you, i’ll eat you! When i’ll get you i’ll eat you!
Why did Wolfy push himself out the window?
Because he wanted to! 
(Made by me in 4th grade… it still hasn’t lost any power.)
[center][color=orange] Sorry if it’s been told already, but I just have to tell this one.
A lion wouldn’t cheat on his wife.
But a Tiger Wood! :'D
Hey, it made me laugh first time I heard it. :3
-Splint[/center][/color]
A army officer was glad to be promoted from captain to major.
Why?
Because his last name is Hook.
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says “sorry, i can’t serve you here”
The mushroom says: “aww, why not? I’m a fun guy!”