the BIG Jokes topic

Lucid Lounge
21

This is a classic but it’s so hilarious :happy: Some information however may a bit obsolete but this wouldn’t make much difference. It would only worsen the situation of Santa :wink:

The scientific proof of Santa’s nonexistence

1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2)There are 2 billion children ( persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5)353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION (that is 14300000000000000000000000000000) joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

22

DM7: That’s a good one. I simply had to show a couple of workmates. :smile:

Mystic: Indeed a classic, but one which is always amusing.

I can see a pattern emerging here, and I like it. What else can we disprove with hard science? :tongue:

23

Here’s another one:

Bush is hanging out with the Queen of England.
He asks her: “How do you run an efficient government? Any tips you can give me?”
And the Queen says: “Well, the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Bush frowns, and replies: “Well, how do I know the people around me are really intelligent or not?”
The Queen takes a little sip of tea, and says: “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them a riddle”.
Then the Queen pushes the button on her intercom and says: “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
So Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles at Tony and says: “Tony, answer me this, would you? Your mother and father have a child. It’s not your brother, and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
Without missing a beat, Tony Blair says: “Well, that would be me.”
The Queen smiles and says: “Very good, thank you!”

So, back at the White House, Bush is a bit puzzled.
So, he asks to speak with Dick Cheney: "Hey Dick, answer this for me, would ya? Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister… who is it?
Dick Cheney frowns and says: “Geez, I’m not sure… lemme get back to you.” So, Dick Cheney goes to all advisors, and asks everyone he can, but no one can answer it for him.
Finally, he ends up in the men’s room, and he recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall over.
So Dick shouts over to him: “Hey Colin… can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not you sister. Who is it?”
Colin Powell flushes, and yells back: “Hey, that’s easy… it’s me!” Dick Cheney smiles and yells: “Thanks!”
So, Dick Cheney goes back into the Oval Office and tells Bush: “Hey, I finally figured out the answer to that riddle! It’s Colin Powell!”
Bush gets up, and angrily stomps over to Dick Cheney. Bush yells right in Dick’s face: “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

24

Hm here’s the “hard” proof that 2 = 1 :

Suppose a = b ,

Then a^2 = ab

=> a^2 - b^2 = ab-b^2

=> (a-b)(a+b) = b(a-b)

=> a+b = b

=> b+b = b

=> 2b = b

=> 2 = 1

25

This is a nice one and it’s absolutely scientifically proven. It’s the proof that 2 + 2 isn’t always 4. When we’re working with relativity we see that 2 + 2 = 2.769
Impossible? Here’s the proof:

Imagine two spacecrafts moving towards or away from each other, each has a speed of 200,000 km/sec. The question is: what’s their relative speed? or how much is the speed of spacecraft 2 as seen from spacecraft 1? In normal conditions we see that the relative speed of two objects moving in opposite directions is the sum of both speeds. For instance: two cars moving away from each other with a speed of 120km/h have a relative speed of 240km/h. However, if we do this here we would get 400,000 km/sec, which is impossible due to the limit of the speed of light which is almost 300,000 km/sec. And the speed of light can never be crossed (as far as we know). Two plus two can’t make four here. Einstein developped a formula to calculate the relative speeds when working with relativistic conditions:
Relative Speed = [Speed(A) + Speed (B)] / [1 + [(Speed (A) * Speed (B)) / (Speed of light)^2] ]
Fill in the data and you’ll get 276,923.08 km/sec, so 2+2=2.769

26

oof! brain overload :crazy:

27

:crazy:

Interesting. Apparently I was right… Atheist enjoyed it. lol! :grin:

Here’s my joke… a bit funny. :content: Cheers! :beer:

===

Man, Wife And A Cop

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to astop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hourzone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks![The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearingyour seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”

The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does yourhusband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife says, “No officer, only when he’s drunk.”

28

heh heh heh. Dm7 always has cool jokes! :content:

29

Another scientific proof:

30

:lmao: :rofl: :lmao: Mystic, that was really funny!

31

lol! At least that scientific joke was simple enough for me :cool:

32

How many dream scientists or dream authors does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Only the lightbulb changer can interpret their own lightbulb.

33

[size=18]I just had a dream… i went to sleep at 2:00 this afternoon and woke up at 3:45. I was at my house and i realized it was a dream. I cahnged the scenery to a gym floor and then i was sliding people and their beds across the floor. the the room became and Ice cave but much bigger. and slide people around some more… people were jumping around so i thought of flying. i leaped into the air and fell. then I leaped into the air again and flew extremely fast like…100 mph to the top edge.
I saw a sign that was posted on the top of slides. It said, "If you come in the game will get harder. Then i created this ball of aura type stuff it was almost white, clear and blue. I threw it and it was headed toward the wall and made this explosion that made a huge gash in the wall. Then i heard this thing yelling and screaming like it was made. then i heard someone in the “real world” come in and turn off my tv and games and telling me it was the 3rd player. I woke up{in my dream} only to realize that it was all fake and then i woke up from that dream into the real reality.

34

I THINK

You posted this in the wrong thread, morpheus. :neutral:

35

Have you done a RC InfectionO you might have been dreaming?

I thought I would just post this link, it’s cartoons but they are really funny.
click here :cool_laugh:

36

:gni: That’s a good link moogle! Thanks.

Time for other blonde joke! :biggrin: I just love to laugh. :wink:

===

Bad reception

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, “How is much is this TV?”
The salesman said, “Sorry, we don’'t sell to blondes.”

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry, we don’'t sell to blondes.”

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry we don’'t sell to blondes.”

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
“Because that is not a TV, it’'s a microwave.”

37

:rofl: That was really funny! I might try and remember some more jokes before we upset any blondes on this forum. :grin:

38

I don’t know if someone knows this one already, but it’s very funny :grin:

A man suspected of SARS is lying in the hospital bed with a mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don’t know Sir, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
He struggles again to talk through his mask an repeats, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
“Nurse,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, had a real good look, pulled his pajamas back up, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!”
At this point, the man pulled off his mask and screams out: “I SAID, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ??!!”

39

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

  • 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
  • 16 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
  • 6 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
  • 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
  • 50 to flame the spell checkers
  • 48 to correct spelling/grammar flames
  • 7 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb”
  • …another 6 to condemn those 7 as anal-retentive
  • 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
  • 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
  • 154 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their “acceptable use policy”
  • 118 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
  • 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
  • 111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
  • 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
  • 1 to ask if when buying a new bulb they should go for a screw or bayonet type
  • 98 to argue that their version of screw in or bayonet is better than the other and always will
  • 27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
  • 14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
  • 3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
  • 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
  • 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
  • 19 to quote the “Me too’s” to say “Me three”
  • 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
  • 44 to ask what is a “FAQ”
  • 4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
  • 143 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
  • 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
40

lol! soooo true (1 poster to post some random comment that doesn’t help anything… me)