The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students and, for the music section, college students. They were supplied by teachers across the nation.
Science:
“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”
“The largest organ in the human body is the head.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“Germinate means to become a naturalized German.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.”
“A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.”
“Algebracial symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.”
“The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.”
“English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.”
“People shouldn’t be allowed to shoot extinct animals.”
“Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions.”
“If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.”
Medicine:
“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth.”
“For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose.”
“Blood flows down one leg and back the other.”
“When you haven’t enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
Geography:
“Rhode.” – An answer given to the question, “What is the only island state?”
History:
“The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense.”
“Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.”
“Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.”
“The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system.”
“Milton wrote ‘Paradise Lost.’ Then his wife dies, and he wrote ‘Paradise Regained.’”
“Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.”
“The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.” (cracking up)
“Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.”
“Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.”
“Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.”
“Bach died from 1750 to the present.”
“Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this.”
“[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.”
“The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.”
“Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.”
“Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices.”
“It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.”
“Without Greeks, we wouldn’t have history.”
“One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.”
“Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.”
“Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name.”
“In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.”
“The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.”
“When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.”
“Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.”
“The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled.”
The Bible
“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.”
“Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.”
“Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.”
“Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.”
“Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.”
“Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.”
“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.” (hehe)
“The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.” (omg. . .hysterics)
“Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.”
“The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.”
“The Fifth Commandment is ‘Humor thy father and mother.’”
“The Seventh Commandment is ‘Thou shalt not admit adultery.’”
“Moses died before he ever reached Canada.”
“Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.”
“The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.” (rofl)
“David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.”
“Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.” (haha) Need I say it should be “concubines”?
“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”
“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”
“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.”
“Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”
“In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony.”
Music
“The piano finishes off the piece.”
“[Beethoven] went death but still kept on writing and producing music. He wrote one more symphony after his death.”
“It was the most fun self-culturing experience I have endured.”
“Shania Twain, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson.” – A student naming “three female vocal ranges, from low to high.”
“Now tuba, Trump bone, and French horn play…”
“I enjoyed the song immensely and was pretty.” (. . .and was pretty, ha.)
“It started out with all the instruments giving out a welcoming horning.”
“[It] ends with all of them playing a short long note.”
“The movement ends with a final foul note.”
“The trumpets play tonged notes.”
“This piece got my attention from begging to end.”
“The horn blowed the piano.”
“Robert Schumann wanted to become a virtuoso but became a composer because of a disabling finger.”
“The orchestra sounds like they [are] not worming up yet.”
Thanks for cheering me up! That has brighten my day up. Thanks!