the BIG Jokes topic

Lucid Lounge
1

Post all jokes and funny stuff in here. Please don’t post a joke as a separate topic in the forum. It will be locked and directed to this one. Thank you :content:

Here is mine… I thought it was soo funny that I wouldn’t resist posting it here. :biggrin:

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Going the Speed Limit

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215.”

2

LOL! :rofl:
I’m sorry but I can’t come up with anything right now. Except dirty jokes. I know an awful lot of those. :neutral:

3

verey funny :happy: :cry:
i got one:
a father is teaching his son about the evils of alchahol,(or however you spell it)to demonstrate he put a worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of beer, the worm in the wate lived happily ever after but the one in the beer shrivelled up and died
dad: “there son, what does that teach you?”
son: “it tells me that if i drink beer i wont get worms”
:rofl:

4

All of mine are dirty too or contain “the F word.” I’m sure none of you are surprised by that though…
So far these are cute ones though keep it up. :grin: :tongue:

5

long ago a ruler of a distant country wanted to know how you could be stronger than a woman. You see, in that country all men where commanded by women. The women had the pants on so to say.

This ruler had a wife like that also and he was looking for a way to be stronger than her. He thought: hey, what if i ask all the men in my country to gather and see if there are men among them that don’t listen to their wifes, i can ask them for advice!

so said so done.

he built a big tent and called all men of his country to gather inside the tent. He explained his problem and then asked all men who listened to their wifes to leave the tent.

everybody but one left.

he thought just one?! wow, he must be the strongest of all men then, now i’m going to learn his secret.

he asked the man: So how do you do it, what is your secret?

the man looked at him and said:

“i don’t know, my wife told me to GO inside that tent, STAY inside that tent and DON’T DARE to come out of that tent!”

6

:rofl:
That’s really funny.

But it might upset the male members of the forum. :cool_laugh:

7

ooh i dont like tents
im claustrophobic

8

Hm. I have the reverse opinion of moogle. I didn’t find it that funny, but I wasn’t at all upset about it. I’m ok with all kinds of jokes, even though my sense of humor is very limited.

9

:smile: well, i heard it from a man, so i think men are generally ok with it :wink:

i’ll try to think of some other jokes…

when i was a kid i used to be full of jokes, could tell them whenever somebody needed to hear one… where did that go?

10

Q… hehehe! Me too! I used to be full of jokes when I was a kid. Mmm…

Here’s a blonde joke… cracked me up so much lol! :lmao:

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A Flaky Blonde

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

‘‘It’s supposed to be a tiger!’’ Sally cried.

‘‘Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!’’

11

Sorry for being in a such silly mood right now. It’s 2:30 AM in the morning and I couldn’t fall back asleep so I’m entertaining myself with jokes that I found on some websites. :wink: Here’s a cute and simple joke for you. :biggrin:

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Adventures in Disneyland

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: “Disneyland Left.”
So they went home.

12

:lol:
i had to read it twice before i got it :grin: it’s funny!

oooooooooooh blonde jokes…

cough ahem i know some of those but i don’t want any one with the blond hair color to be offended… so please don’t be offended and see the humor :grin: the blondes depicted in this joke can’t probably access the internet, so i assume i’m safe :grin:

what’s a blonde who paints her hair in another color?

  • artificial intelligence

what did the blonde say when she was called on her mobile?

  • how did you know i was here?

actually, here in holland, when somebody acts dumb and knows it, she will say blond, instead of “dumb of me” :grin: (that’s no joke!)

13

Hehehehe! :lmao:

These jokes are funny! That’s really interesting about Holland. I have been studying Netherlands for a while and the more I study about it’s culture and language, the more I want to move there. :biggrin: It just seems to fit me perfectly.

Anyways, I have some more jokes, but I don’t want to flood the discussion with that. :slight_smile:

Lieve dromen! Lucide dromen! :biggrin: Ok I’m weird I know. :tongue:

14

Heres a joke my mom used to tell me all the time.

Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.

Want to hear a clean one? It took a bath.

hahahahaha man those jokes suck. :ack:

15

HA HA HA HA HA HA! :rofl:

It reminds me of my grandpa’s jokes, they’re “stupid”, but it means a lot to me!

  • pinches me “Your sweater is soooo thick!”
  • “Where are you? I can’t see you! You’re a ghost!” pretends not to notice me even though I stand in the front of him
  • “Wanna come and play a golf game with me in the heaven when I die?”

These are something my grandpa alway used to say. I miss these jokes. :crying: I was very close to my grandpa. Oh well, at least maybe I can play a golf with him when I come back to the heaven and beat him for the first time. Ha ha ha! :content:

16

Ok, one last joke I promise! It cracked me up so bad! I loved it! I thought it was cute too! Here you go! :happy:

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Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

  1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

  2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

  3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

  4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

  5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

  6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

  7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

:cool: Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

  1. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

  2. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

  3. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

  4. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

  5. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

  6. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

  7. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

  8. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

  9. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

  10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

  11. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

  12. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

  13. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

  14. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

17

omg md7 ure cracking me up LOOOL :cool_laugh: :cool_laugh: :cool_laugh:

18

Here are some old jokes you can groan if you like. :happy:

First ghost to second ghost “I’m sorry, but whatever you say I just don’t believe in people”

“Don’t be afraid. This dog will eat off your hand”
“That’s what I’m afraid of”

What is worst than an elephant with a sore nose?
A tortoise with claustrophobia.

First invisible man “Did you miss me when I was gone?”
Second invisible man “Were you gone?”

Have you lived in this house all your life?
No, not yet.

Why do doctors and nurses wear masks?
So that if someone makes a mistake , they won’t know who.

Malcolm: Will you do my homework for me?
Mum: No, it wouldn’t be right.
Malcolm: Well, at least you could try.

Teacher: Carol, can you give me two pronouns?
Carol: Who, me?
Teacher: Correct.

Patient:Will I be able to read with my new glasses?
Optician: Yes, ofcourse.
Patient: That’s amazing - I couldn’t read before. :cool:

Customer: Your dog seems to enjoy watching people having their hair cut.
Barber: Not really…sometimes I cut off a piece of a customer’s ear!

Carol: Would you punish a pupil for something she hadn’t done?
Teacher: Certainly not.
Carol: Good - I haven’t done my homework.

“That’s a strange pair of socks - one with red spots and the other with blue stripes.”
“Yes, and I’ve got another pair just like it at home.”

Last night a hole was made in a 40 foot fence surrounding a nudist camp.
Police are looking into it. :tongue:

First gardener: I used to work with thousands of people under me.
Second gardener: Really?
First gardener: Yes. I used to work in a cemetery.

19

:rofl:

That’s way too funny! I groaned at some jokes, but I loved them all! Ha ha ha! What a good way to start my day!.. well, my day is almost gone already. lol! Oh well, a good way to start my night! :lmao:

:eh: I found a ‘genius’ type of joke… it is funny if you really understand it. I think Atheist might enjoy it. Hehehe :content:

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HEAVEN IS HOTTER THAN HELL

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, “Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days.” Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that … The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed … [However] Revelations 21:8 says “But the
fearful, and unbelieving … shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone.” A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
– From “Applied Optics” vol. 11, A14, 1972

20

That last joke escaped my attention span. But the rest were cracking me up really badly! Today was a good day for this topic :tongue:

:rofl: :lmao:

I especially loved those school excuses, nudist camp, and AI jokes!! (Best laugh I’ve had in a while) Thanks you guys are the best! :grin: