Hah!
that one was busted by the mythbusters on the discovery channel… they tried all sorts of flammable liquids and none exploded…
A bad joke my math teacher told the class “A man walked into a bar, ow.”
Another bad math class joke would be the time the teacher used the zoo’s price discounts as an example about graphs. I said the zoo isn’t going to have a big graph, that would offend the senor citizens (who didn’t get a discount)…Proves the use of High School math in life…
These were posted on the isratrance forum:
A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first Singh answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second Singh smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?” Extremely frustrated at thi s point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That’s easy,” the Singh replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
Famous Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
- Sample the vodka to check the quality.
- Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
- To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
- Repeat.
- Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
- Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
- At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
- Flavour with red bull to taste.
- Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
- Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Pick fruit off floor
- Mix on the turner.
- If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
- Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
- Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a damn…
- Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
- Pick up the can, mop the floor
- Check the vodka
- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one table.
- Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over…
- Don’t forget to beat off the turner
- Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
- Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
[i]A Highway Patrol officer pulls Heisenburg over for speeding. He walks up to the driver side window and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenburg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”[/i]
I heard it in physics class. I thought it was funny, anyway 
Lol 
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong, so he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I…”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“Exactly! Bring me a goddamn spoon!”
Kiss me, I’m toilet or
Kiss me I’m a toilet
Remember that 1996 movie Independence Day? With Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum? I found this on the internet a while ago. I think it’s insanely funny so i thought I’d share it with everyone. Well here goes:
40 THINGS I LEARNED FROM ID4
That I Never Knew Before
By Dean Kanipe Area 51 Research Center
While viewing the film Independence Day, it became apparent that I was remarkably uninformed about several things related to Area 51, aliens, military operations, and America in general. Below is a quick list of a few important things I learned from the film that I never knew before, and a few lessons that were inferred from the plot. I wish to thank the creators of ID4 for making these facts much clearer to me.
1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first. Apparently the best way to destroy a city is to position your “Death Ray” over the most recognizable building.
2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building directly under the Death Ray.
3. If alien “Destroyers” come to your city to blast it into oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.
4. If alien “Destroyers” come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are travelling with a dog and a small child. The Law of Averages says you’ll survive the Death Ray.
5. If alien “Destroyers” come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable TV executive. The Law of Averages says you’ll get waxed by the Death Ray.
6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to “Pay the bills,” “take care of one’s boy,” and own a nice house in a middle class subdivision.
7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees and use their extensive survival skills to provide food and comfort to survivors.
8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.
9. Area 51 is an “Assault Base”.
10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding mountains.
11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120 degree heat.
12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard.
13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion.
14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the service, including Marines and Air Force.
15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers’, it appears that the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run.
16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20 km across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial launched nuclear cruise missiles.
17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s.
18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.
19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an Alien fighter in 5 minutes.
20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use flight yokes just like ours.
21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in “Bio-Mechanical” armor. They have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith. (He has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.)
22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the carrier, they don’t bother to communicate with the pilot.
23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into canyons walls and closing blast doors.
24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored, they do things to piss off people with hand guns.
25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on missile rack until the missile is fired through his work station.
26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is, “Release me,” “No peace,” and “Die!”
27. If you’re President and your administration is faltering, an Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls.
28. If you’re President and your administration is faltering, manage to work into every other sentence the fact that you “flew in the Persian Gulf.” No need to specify what branch of service.
19. If you’re President and your administration is faltering and an Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can take them all out with one shot. You can always blame the problems of the past on them after victory is achieved.
30. The President’s Press secretary keeps her cell phone listed in the phone book “in case of emergencies.”
31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens might attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith.
32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making you the laughing stock of the community, never fear. When their “Destroyers” come, you will be vindicated to those who mocked your tale.
33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray.
34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray, you will obtain redemption and your children will be proud of you.
35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying, look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding ring for 4 years after the divorce.
36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus in C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system.
37. Even though the Mac isn’t compatible with most other Earthly operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer.
38. Alien network security is nonexistent.
39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it (i.e., 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just enough technology to possibly defend itself.
40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and “Don’t get out much.”
My favorite one’s gotta be #25 
Add some of your own if you got some–that’d be cool! 
I’ll start off:
41. When a fifteen mile wide ship floating right above you is destroyed, it won’t fall on you. It’ll drift a hundred miles or so to the side so it can fall down without giving you a headache.
42. The US nuclear stockpile consists of only 2 tactical warheads
43. As long as messeges are sent in morse code, they cannot be intercepted by aliens.
Oh i’ve got a Canadian joke
How did Canada choose it’s name?
They put a bunch of letters in a hat, and drew three out.
C eh? N eh? D eh?
lol, it’s a phonetic joke
You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard that one
o, did a mod put this here 
?
43.If you’re to stupid to get into NASA, you can still pilot an alien ship no one knows anything about.
44.If a city is annihalted by aliens, hiding in a small tunnel will save you, and if you drive around long enough, you’ll find the president’s wife.
45.After defeating an alien force bent on the destruction of earth, you will be hired by the Men In Black.
46.Dead aliens often decide to become alive again.
47.Apparently Einstein was wrong and mass can travel at about a million times the speed of light.
48.A caveman with a club could defeat an army with five nukes(Earth/alien comparison).
49.The death of the president’s wife would only affect him and his family for a few minutes and they would be over it in half an hour.
50.Piloting a plane into a death ray, that’s about 25 times larger, will blow up the entire 15 mile ship.
51.The government is lying to us, aliens are real!
52. Holidays and important dates like to compete for glory by repeating themselves.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Madame
Madame, who?
Madame foot is stuck in the door! let me in!